On Faith and Cancer

The chance that any of us are even on the earth at all is so close to 0 that scientists would recognize it as an impossibility. And yet here we all are. The chance that I have this specific type of cancer is closer to 0 than 1. And yet here I am with this lump in my arm.

“If you have any questions, don’t consult Dr. Google, call me,” Dr. Oliva said to me. At the end of the day. On a Friday. The weekend is not a good time to find out you have cancer.

Epithelioid sarcoma. Go ahead, look it up. It’s described as extremely rare and extremely aggressive. I wasn’t afraid of the treatment and I wasn’t afraid of dying, but I was afraid of not having enough time. Life is short enough as it is, but once my expiration date was a little more directly in my line of sight, I couldn’t help but run through everything I might not get to do. It made me think about all the things I should have done but was too afraid to do.

Everyone kept telling me I was going to be fine. “You’re only 24, and you’re healthy. I’d be surprised if it was anything to worry about,” the general surgeon told me. Who knew I’d be the one in a million? I had about a 12-hour period where I seriously questioned God. Why would He do this? How can this terrible thing be part of His great big plan for me? I felt so lost.

But there has to be a reason for all of this, I’m just not sure what it is yet.

I am thankful for a few things though:

That I was able to get far enough into recovery to have the will to live. Douglas MacArthur famously said, “It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win.” You have to fight expecting a victory. If this had happened even six months ago, I don’t know that I would care. I am so grateful that I care.

And

That something dramatic like cancer happened to snap me out of my fears and insecurities and place me back on a path of bold faith. God will carry me through this time, no matter the outcome. And if cancer does get me, I’ll make the most of my time left on earth—by doing everything that scares me and by pointing each day to God. A life lived in fear isn’t a life worth living, and a life without Jesus isn’t eternal.

I’m more afraid of fear than of dying, and you should be too. Fear is the only thing that holds you back from living the life you dream of. And God is the only thing that saved me from fear.

So go out and live boldly this week, as if nothing you do will fail. Take a risk and do that thing that scares you. And most importantly, live in faith. Because everything, the good and the bad, will bring you closer to where you’re meant to be.