Cigarettes

But I stared blankly back because not even Nathan deserved the fake smile I would have plastered on my face.

“What’s up homegirl? What you doing out here? You should come back to the party.” He slid into the seat next to me grabbing my knee playfully, waiting for the reaction he would never get. He crossed his arms over his chest and laughed awkwardly as his smile slowly started to fade too.

I shifted away from him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Long day.”

“Looks like a little more than that, babygirl.”

“Long life then. And don’t call me that.”

He smiled, and I knew I should look away, but I couldn’t. “Hey, I don’t mean anything by it. You’ll always be my homegirl,” he paused, waiting. “So what’s on your mind?”

“Listen, Nathan, I just came out here for some fresh air.”

“Well from the looks of it you aren’t getting much anyway,” he said with a smirk, pointing at my smoking fingers.

“Alright, ya got me,” I laughed reluctantly. “Just stressed, I guess. The future and all that good shit,” I said shrugging. “What’s up with you?”

“Oh you know. Same old.”

“Hey, you think I can cop one of those?”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Might as well try it out for myself if I’m going to be dying from all this second hand smoke anyway.”

I laughed again, a little less reluctantly, and reached for my pack with one hand and a lighter with the other. Our fingers brushed in the exchange.

He lingered.

I didn’t.

“Jesus, you’d think after priming my lungs with the good stuff all these years, I’d be ready for that,” he said sputtering, handing me the rest. “So what’s up with you and Jesse?”

“There it is.” I rolled my eyes. “He’s your best friend, why you asking me?”

He put both hands up in surrender. “I just wanted your side. Trying to be a good friend.”

“Well I’m going to need you to stop.”

“Sorry,” he said quietly breaking the long silence.

I knocked my leg into his in reply.

“We started fighting at dinner. Again,” I offered nonchalantly. “Over literally nothing. I told him I wanted to dye my hair again and he started flipping out about how he just got used to the blonde, and he doesn’t even like blondes like that. I told him it’s a good thing I’m not dying his hair then and walked out of the restaurant. That man makes me crazy.”

“Shit, girl. He can be wild sometimes.”

“I’ve noticed.”

I leaned forward and put my head in my hand. Slowly, he started rubbing my back. I jumped at the touch of his hand, but quickly relaxed. This time I didn’t pull away. I leaned closer against him until I could smell his Old Spice and finally rested my head on his shoulder.

I sat up, but his arm didn’t leave my back, and I still didn’t care. “If you could control one giant lizard or an army of tiny lizards, which would you choose?” I asked.

“Oh, definitely one giant lizard. No one would ever mess with me again,” he said without hesitation.

“Dude, as if anyone messes with you as it is. You’re everyone’s favorite,” I mocked playfully. “I’d pick the army, no doubt. You know how freaky that would be? Definitely want those little minions on my side.”

“You’re wild,” he laughed. “I don’t even want to know the chaos you’d cause with all those lizards.”

This time it was him who rested his head on my shoulder. I looked around, finally comfortable in the silence. The full moon gave an eerie gray light over the patio, and for someone still afraid of the dark so far past childhood, I was content. Right through the French doors to the living room, the party was in full affect. Flashing lights, blaring music. Girls stumbling over each other proclaiming how they’re “so drunk”, they’ve “never been this drunk”. I smiled at how shallow it all was and how shallow I was—am—for wanting to be a part of it, despite everything. There was a time when I was proud of being the outsider. It’s funny how quickly things can change when the idea of love is on the line.

I squinted my eyes and saw Tyler with his back facing me, arms flailing in some exaggerated conversation. I remembered a time when I found the dramatics endearing. I looked over his muscular, tan body. The perfection just annoyed me now, with his stupid ebony comb over, his pretentious sweaters and designer jeans. I glanced down at the head on my shoulder, the messy, chocolate hair brushing my cheek. I wrapped my arm around his waist and admired how little he cared about how he looked, but still managing to look like a damn snack.

My hands suddenly felt very empty, so I untangled my arm and grabbed another smoke.

“So whatever happened with you and that other chick?” I asked struggling against the wind to light up.

“Oh we uh parted amicably. Had our differences.”

I waited.

“She didn’t approve of the company I was keeping.”

“Could ya vague it up for me a bit more, Nate?”

“She found a letter I had written for you, never delivered. Never really planned on delivering it, but…” he trailed off with another chuckle. "I don't know. I just missed you a lot, Jess."

I rolled my eyes, glad he couldn’t see.

“Well that’s cheesy as hell. You’re a piece of work,” I said shaking my head. It’s amazing what professing feelings can do to create the thickest silences. “So how’s your mom?”

He laughed, but I was appreciative that he at least humored me. “She’s good, I guess. It’s been weird since Dad left. She’s really throwing herself back out there, going out with “friends” almost every single night. Barely has time for me or the sis.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling. I’ve broken curfew every weekend so far this year, and she hasn’t even batted an eye. It’s not even fun to break the rules if you aren’t going to get in trouble for it,” I joked.

“Exactly, I won’t even enjoy living the wild college life next year cause I’m practically doing it all now.”

“But you know when the time comes they’ll both be sobbing, talking like, ‘My baby’s found a new home’.”

“Acting like we going home to the Lord, and not just a couple hours away.”

“You figure that shit out already?”

“Hardly.”

“Ha, same.”

“It’ll come together eventually.”

“Yeah I’ll just close my eyes and point to the mess of acceptance letters on my desk, that’ll be the school I commit to.”

“No way. That’s how I make all of my important decisions, too.”

We laughed, and I was enjoying this weird dance between awkward and not. I leaned my head on top of his, still on my shoulder.

I shifted back to Tyler. His friend tapped him on the shoulder and as he turned to say hi, I saw who he was talking to. Bella Knight. The biggest bombshell in our class. I know what that lurching in my stomach was, but I didn’t know why it was there if I wanted out so badly. I kept watching them. Sure enough she started batting those lashes and stroking his biceps along with his ego. I guess I was just the blonde he didn’t even like like that. But after watching for a while, I realized I didn’t really care. He leaned towards her face, and I looked away.

I shrugged my shoulder so Nathan would lift his head. Before his eyes even had a chance to focus on my face, I leaned in, and our lips met. My hand rested behind his neck and his on my thigh, his thumb slowly caressing. I gripped the front of his sweatshirt to hold him there forever.

December 2017